the hack

The magazine was my best job, outside of the cemetery. I learned a lot. Like, the day we had a special Sunday meeting so we could discuss what had become an acrimonious division within the ranks: The Beck Cover.

Half the staff thought the best picture of Beck was the one where he was wearing the wayfarers. He looked cool, he had wanted to wear the sunglasses at the shoot -- this was widely circulated as verified, but no one knew exactly by what source -– and they felt having him behind shades was like a statement against brand recognition or star-status... or whatever. Who knows, something like that anyway. The other half, including the publisher, our editor-in-chief and the "brand builders" they hired, had a different idea. We pick up the conversation, everyone standing at this point, and the speakers are leaning at each other over the elliptically stylish boardroom table.

Marketing Consultant: 'Look it’s a known marketing fact that consumers respond well to eye contact on magazine covers.'

Staffer: 'Uh, eye contact? It’s a picture, man.' He turns around to confirm everyone is mystified. 'Anyway, we’re talking about identifying with an attitude, with integrity, with our convictions. It's about the alienation of the artist, the the, what's that album where Dylan's wearing the shades?' He’s losing it. 'I mean, I thought we all agreed when we started this thing that the day we hired marketing gurus to tell us how to do this, we should fire ourselves.' Nods, but some terrified looks.

Marketing Consultant: 'The idea is that the consumer likes to feel like the celebrity is ‘seeing’ them. It’s been proven in marketing studies. People want celebrities to love them back. And making eye contact with them in pictures actually boosts their self-confidence. They feel beautiful too. The celebrity is attainable. That’s why you shouldn’t have anyone in sunglasses on a cover. It’s elitist.'

Staffer: 'Dude, sunglasses are the opposite of elitist.' Ticking off: 'James Dean, Peter Fonda, Stevie Wonder, Rik Ocasek, Corey Hart...'

Marketing Consultant: “They used to be. Think of it like this: sunglasses are like cigarettes. They are designed to separate you from the world. They are elitist.”

Awesome silence.

Don’t get me wrong, it wasn’t an uptight place at all. When you came to work it was understood that there was a two drink minimum. Anyway, we went with the no sunglasses picture and the issue bombed. They all bombed though. These debates were awesome for how little whatever we were talking about mattered. Imagine, we hired consultants to debate this shit until finally they’d talk us out of doing what we wanted to. But it was a fabulous job. More of a clubhouse, really. Good music, civilized hours, catering some days. Stocked beer fridge. Connections, tickets, passes, ideas, access. Some good people got a start there and we all got on pretty good with each other. That’s the only place I ever worked where I wanted to hang out with my coworkers. You would have wanted to hang out even if you didn’t work there. We’d just sit around drinking, talking about it. Smoking, arguing. It was great. You can imagine. And then we went bankrupt.