FG: barksdale set.

Mr. Speed 3:22 KISS 256 kbps Rock and Roll Over
Action 3:27 Sweet 256 kbps Rare Studio Tracks
Hello New York 3:24 Silverhead 256 kbps 16 and Savaged
Listen to Me 6:42 Baby Huey 256 kbps The Baby Huey Story - The Living Legend
Dancing In the Moonlight (It's Caught Me In Its Spotlight)
Thin Lizzy 256 kbps Bad Reputation (Expanded Edition)
Do The Wait 4:04 The Scenics 224 kbps Search And Destroy
How Are You? 4:14 Cheap Trick 256 kbps Heaven Tonight
Bleeding 4:02 Todd Rundgren 256 kbps Runt: The Ballad of Todd Rundgren Live It Up 4:00 Ted Nugent 256 kbps Cat Scratch Fever
Tenement Lady 2:55 T. Rex 256 kbps Tanx

free to get in

benny's trying to make the ultimate mix for his set tonight at the bar. but he can't seem to whittle it down. he just keeps adding more and more songs and then freaking out about how he can't see how he's gonna bridge this one to that one. He's been at it for days.

i'm cutting up the dope into 8ball bags and i can hear him zipping through track after track. he only listens to about 25 seconds of each song before he decides yes or no. sometimes he'll get stuck on one song and it'll play over and over. sometimes i think i hear him crying.

he comes out looking frazzled and jumpy; as if it really matters what song he plays in what order. the joint's just a shithole with a zero soundsystem PA, one tap and a bunch of discount bourbon brands but for him i guess this is it. his big thing.

-- any beer left?

i nod over to the ice box and he pulls out a bottle and pops it open on the chipped edge of the counter.

-- what's that song you've been playing?

he tries to speak as he's taking a swig and beer coughs and bends over double--

-- hard times baby huey

he coughs and runs back to his room to start the song over and comes back out pantomining what i guess he thinks is funk dance move or something.

-- heavy shit right?

-- yeah man it's good. you gonna lead with that one?

he shakes his head like it's the biggest question he's ever had to wrestle with.

-- aw man... i just don't know. the first song is so key y'know? so key.

i laugh at him and lean back into the sofa, admiring all the little bags that have piled up. perfect little ziplocked snowstorms. when i look up, benny's looking far out the window and he goes:

-- this song makes me feel like i'm in charge of myself.

run run away

french girls double eye

NYE

tv

the wire:
4, 2, 3, 1, 5.
the order

triangle offense, FG VIII

french girls six

FG V

wrath of french girls

the third

f g 2

french girls.

fall

gotta get away

breaking up

'i'm sorry. i just don't think it's gonna work out between us.'

"i don't understand. i thought we agreed that the anthropic act of mutual observation meant our love was eternally validated?"

'well, ya. but it turns out we're both standing still and the space between us is increasing faster than the speed of light so i won't be able to see you anymore.'

"so we're doomed to a future of ignorant loneliness?"

'yes, but we won't know it when it happens. so you'll feel better then.'

"well... i guess that's not so bad."

existence is futile

got upstreamed for a cab this morning. the guy clearly saw me waiting as i'd tried to hail two occupied, passing cabs moments before; so i call out to the guy "i can't believe youre upstreaming me". and he goes, "that doesn't exist here". I go "You don't exist!" sigh. i will be working on comebacks all weekend.

HWoA, Cheap, Tranzac 2001

#21

HWoA

under the pavement, beach

sorry i couldn't be here

mandelbrot sets, "calamity"

Calamity by shawandking

perambulate

at night downtown i cross the street or at least make a little racket if i find myself walking behind a single woman. especially when the streetlamps cast my shadow towards them; it's so creepy to see someone's shadow overtake you.

i can't seem to walk the same way all the time. i have no gait. it seems all my parts are independent sometimes. each piece deciding to imprint its own version of forward progress.

there was a full moon tonight.

deadwood drunk

"I am not the fine man you take me for; no, no.
I come in April to sell a string of horses,
And try my luck in the stream.
What I got for my stock I lost at the wheel
And the flake I washed up, I drank the fuck away.
I don’t know as I’ll get home at all
I sold my boots. I owe nine dollars to a whore."

slow down.

anything can happen.
a car crash. a sun burn.
paper cuts, or cancer.
can't stop what's comin

bad love, or a constable
hand. anything can
happen; bonked heads
prescribed dead ends.

anything can happen
happiness strikes
conscience, or reverse
can anything happen

everything becomes something else

Hide Out

reversals

benny is so wasted that he can't say anything but 'drugs'.

we're laughing but then he turns to me and manages:

"do you think she loves me?"

the laughing still goes on, but he's got this ashen look and i realize that the only way to save him is to tell him the truth.

"no."

when i get up off the sticky floor, benny is gone and everyone is looking at me like it's my fault.

how she loves me.

oh how i love the smell
of the abattoir
oh how i love my job.

ain't it great
to hear them talk
about, giving back
to those without.

oh how i love the abattoir.
the rendering of meaning
is plain. oh how i love
the end of dreams

lesson

getting high without
the possibility
of getting more high
is pointless

after all

i wish i could learn to say the things i say but differently. like with humour or quality of writing.

how did dfw write all of that? so much writing... i cant even get one line i like. no wonder he hung himself. it was like pushing away darkness. no way he could keep that up.

i'm funding a rehearsal space for priddle. only $300. and ostensibly i'm also able to go there. presumably to rediscover some latent amazing talent heretofore unexplored in enough depth.

i'm tired but i cant sleep.

strike the match

you get older, you get fewer friends
you get older, the few get deeper
the breakups early in life,
you really regret those.

but you cant stop it
life divides you from the things you love
and it drives us into things we don't
we get it hard and lose it easy

Calamity

99 songs

Stormy Weather 2:12 Reigning Sound Time Bomb High School
Unknown 4:15 Keiji Haino/Peter Brötzmann Evolving Blush or Driving Original Sin
The Hook 3:03 Stephen Malkmus Stephen Malkmus
You're a Wolf 3:35 Sea Wolf Leaves In the River
Poison Cup 2:41 M. Ward Post-War
My Shadow 3:20 Jay Reatard Blood Visions
Pumpin' for Jill 4:33 Iggy Pop Party
What Are You Doin' In My Life? 3:26 Tom Petty & The Heartbreakers Damn the Torpedoes (Remastered)
Jigsaw Puzzle 6:05 The Rolling Stones Beggars Banquet
The Beat 3:49 Elvis Costello This Year's Model
Ghost Blonde 6:30 No Joy Ghost Blonde
I Don't Want to Be Like This 2:47 The Parting Gifts Strychnine Dandelions
Somebody Like Me 2:32 Ramones Subterranean Jungle
Rollin', Rollin', Rollin' 3:15 Joel Plaskett Three
Hurtin' 4 Certain 3:58 The Russian Futurists Me, Myself And Rye
All You Ever Wanted 2:56 The Black Keys Attack & Release
Oh Lord, My Heart! 3:13 The Deadly Snakes Porcella
No Regrets 2:34 King Khan & The Shrines The Supreme Genius of King Khan and the Shrines
We Got Rocket 3:12 Times New Viking Dig Yourself
Just War 3:44 Danger Mouse & Sparklehorse Feat. Gruff Rhys Dark Night Of The Soul
I Wanna Be Your Joey Ramone 2:37 Sleater-Kinney Call the Doctor
Black Cadillacs 2:44 Modest Mouse Good News for People Who Love Bad News
We Are All The Middle Child 2:30 Frederick Squire March 12
Dance Dance Dance 2:14 Neil Young Neil Young Archives, Vol. 1 (1963-1972)
Shower of Stones 3:05 Constantines Kensington Heights
Under Cover of Darkness 3:56 The Strokes Under Cover of Darkness - Single
Date With Ikea 2:40 Pavement Brighten The Corners
The Wait 3:34 Pretenders Pretenders (Remastered)
Valentine 3:36 The Replacements Pleased to Meet Me
Dallas 4:14 Silver Jews The Natural Bridge
Guilty 2:34 Randy Newman Good Old Boys
Exit Flagger 2:20 Guided By Voices Propeller
Satellite Skin 3:59 Modest Mouse No One's First, and You're Next
Cannibals 2:58 Crooked Fingers Forfeit / Fortune
Any Major Dude Will Tell You 3:08 Steely Dan Pretzel Logic (Reissue)
Trying to Live My Life Without You 3:24 Brinsley Schwarz Surrender to the Rhythm
like to Smoke 4:02 the priddle concern the Priddle Concern
Amity 2:20 Elliott Smith XO
Alyda 3:40 Yo La Tengo President Yo La Tengo/New Wave Hot Dogs
Hangin' 'Round (Acoustic Demo Version) 3:56 Lou Reed Transformer
Is This It 2:31 The Strokes Is This It
Rebellion (Lies) 5:11 Arcade Fire Funeral
Little Instruments 3:19 The Constantines The Constantines
Oh It's Such a Shame 2:30 Jay Reatard Blood Visions
Down By the Seaside 5:16 Led Zeppelin Physical Graffiti (Remastered)
Road to Nowhere 4:19 Talking Heads The Best of Talking Heads (Remastered)
Bargain 5:34 The Who Who's Next
What's That Over There A Dead Rainbow? 5:37 Frederick Squire March 12
Talking Shit About A Pretty Sunset 5:51 Modest Mouse This Is A Long Drive For Someone With Nothing To Think About
Dead Alive 3:47 Kurt Vile Childish Prodigy (Bonus Track Version)
Don't Become the Thing You Hated 2:13 Destroyer Your Blues
Needle In The Hay 4:17 Elliott Smith Elliott Smith
You Let Me Down 2:22 Joel Plaskett Three
Fire of Love 2:09 Gun Club, The Miami
Postal Blowfish 2:19 Albert Hammond Jr. Yours to Keep
Black Satin 2:39 The Raveonettes Lust Lust Lust
Road 2:03 Nick Drake Pink Moon
Calgon Take Me Away 2:20 Swearing at Motorists Number Seven Uptown
Free 3:33 Cat Power You Are Free
High Roller 3:58 Cheap Trick Heaven Tonight
The Backseat 4:22 The Gaslight Anthem The '59 Sound
Gigantic 3:55 Pixies Surfer Rosa & Come On Pilgrim
Word On a Wing 6:04 David Bowie Station to Station
Too Bad 3:14 Faces A Nod Is as Good as a Wink...To a Blind Horse
True Love Will Find You In the End 1:51 Daniel Johnston 1990
Love Can Be So Mean 3:29 Sebastien Grainger & The Mountains Sebastien Grainger & the Mountains
Barely Legal 3:55 The Strokes Is This It
Waitin' for the Night 5:05 The Runaways 20th Century Masters the Millennium Collection: The Best of The Runaways
Out of Reaches 4:51 Stephen Malkmus & The Jicks Real Emotional Trash (Bonus Track Version)
Felt Good to Burn 2:22 Elf Power Nothing's Going to Happen
Do Your Thing 3:08 Moondog The German Years
The Gayest of Sunbeams 4:14 Pink Mountaintops Outside Love
Why I Didn't Like August 93 2:14 Elevator to Hell Parts 1-3
Victim of Circumstance 2:55 Joan Jett & The Blackhearts I Love Rock 'N Roll (Remastered)
Blue Thunder 3:48 Galaxie 500 On Fire
A Life of Illusion 3:30 Joe Walsh The Definitive
What Is Life 4:27 George Harrison All Things Must Pass (30th Anniversary Edition) [Remastered]
You Can't Hold Your Women 1:53 Robert Pollard Kid Marine
You Are A Light 3:55 Pavement Terror Twilight
Strawberry Letter 23 3:59 Shuggie Otis World Psychedelic Classics 2: California Soul - Inspiration Information
Get Me (LP Version) 5:49 Dinosaur Jr. Where You Been?
Choppers 4:18 Holy Fuck LP
Before They Make Me Run 3:25 The Rolling Stones Some Girls
Teen Age Riot 6:58 Sonic Youth Daydream Nation
King of the Beach 2:38 Wavves Summer Is Forever - EP
Mississippi 5:21 Bob Dylan Love and Theft
Fearless 6:08 Pink Floyd Meddle
In the Light 8:47 Led Zeppelin Physical Graffiti (Remastered)
Stay Free 4:30 Black Mountain In the Future
Red Rabbits 4:31 The Shins Wincing the Night Away
It's a Long Way Back 2:23 The Ramones Road to Ruin (Expanded & Remastered)
You Want the Candy 3:07 The Raveonettes Lust Lust Lust
Street Fighting Man 3:15 The Rolling Stones Beggars Banquet
You Don't Know 2:48 Bill Wyman's Rhythm Kings Just For A Thrill
Pink Moon 2:07 Nick Drake Pink Moon
Don't Cry No Tears 2:35 Neil Young Zuma
Do What You Can Do 4:52 Constantines Kensington Heights
Taste of Cindy 1:42 Jesus And Mary Chain Psychocandy
A More Perfect Union 7:10 Titus Andronicus The Monitor

board, not bored

soften the focus

keep your powder dry

he says, even tho three amigos is a success story, it is a cautionary tale i think. altho, i think they knew that when they made it

she snaps her flip phone shut: all i'm sayin is id like to appreciate things on their own merits again

he's figuring she's just another shallow type so he gives her the pop quiz:

best pretender's song.

the wait

(wow. the best i thought she'd do was pack it up. good one)

best iggy pop song.

pumping for jill, obvi

(seriously?! this could be love)

best zeppelin?

down by the seaside

(shit this girl is out of my league)

free style: best songs.

that feel. dont forget me. guilty. jigsaw puzzle.

...

she reached across my trance and fished out a Light from my breast pocket.

"i'm goin for a smoke; you wanna look at guitars or something?"

the thing about women is that you can't ever be one of them. that's the only way you'd ever figure it out. they're just like foxes or pyramids or comets. everything about them is obvious, but it's always the opposite at the same time.

anyway, i got my jacket and found her in the alcove of the guitar shop. i pulled out the dugout and we looked at guitars and passed the cherry back and forth.

i knew she was looking past the window display at the SG jr hanging just inside streetlamp light behind the cash register. so much of life is about still moments.

just before she catches me looking at her in the window reflection i turn away.

(shortly thereafter the world ends. or this is part of some other story?)

don't know if i like you

don't know if i like you
but you like it like that.

keep moving forwards

[redact[ ug?

echo / delay

no title yet. working on it.

sometimes i think maybe its a weakness, but one thing i'm good at is giving myself reasons not to worry about going to work.

much too high

How to get the inflation of youth experience under contra

Harassed by pre teens in the subway

She rolled up a Metro and threatened to stab me with it
leads to variant response fantasy and exasperation with everything.

hates to admit when ____likes anything. like scared to give away any part of himself. like he'd have no value if he was involved with popular things.

in secret he thrilled to his obscure vicesexpression.

the only thing drinking is good for is perfect dwelling in what's gone. but for everything else, drinking is not so good for.

still, if you really want to, you can dwell safely until you die. slowly die.

went by the bar after work. was a girl there with the same eyes as carla. those coal black liquid eyes. i figured out how to look at them without her seeing me i think.

felt again like i couldn't let go.

____x was there. she looked great. she hugged me and my earlobes were ice cold. her cheek pressed against one and she remarked on it.

what's real and what isn't doesn't change does it?

keith richards is great, but he's got some dogs. "take it so hard" is not one of them.

clues

red

dead flowers

stratford (take me to the station)

we drank foster king cans
by the river before
titus andronicus

Winter

he ran to catch up to her. she stopped and they faced each other, him leaning in, suddenly arrested.

why? what did i do?

she said, i think it's lame that you made the Goat's Head Soup album cover your Facebook photo.

he shook his head and the honesty in his face made her think twice.

she touched his chin and he lifted his eyes to hers. she says, "because that record's so conflicted. It's the end of the Stones and in a way, the end of truth. And you think you can use all that as your avatar? You're just like the rest of them. Making yourself by your associations.

He was dumbfounded. But she had a point.

2010

my old stuff
was better.

tonight's guests appear courtesy of

you think you can just write a poem?

this'll get deleted

suddenly i
don't belong.

december flowers

hollyhocks grow
taller than me.

ageless beauty.

what's so hopeless
is that every failure
feels the same

and how

do you ever
hate who you are.

pron.

it's about
where they put
the meat

ride on

a guy got upset at a girl and threw sugar packets at her and then knocked over his drink, spit on her table and stormed outside. everyone watched but no one moved. then he banged on the window right by her view and pantomimed being stabbed hard in the chest. her date pretended not to notice all of it. finally the bartender went outside and called him to account so he ran.

1923 Toronto

bumblebee

late for work.

say too much
and it's over but
be yourself

vineland

ok, then this is gonna go on for awhile.

Pumpin' for Jill    4:33    Iggy Pop    Party
The Wait    3:34    Pretenders    Pretenders (Remastered)
Requiem for Man and Family    2:34    Andre Ethier    With Christopher Sandes Featuring Pickles and Price
No Action    2:01    Elvis Costello    This Year's Model
Hangin' 'Round (Acoustic Demo Version)    3:56    Lou Reed    Transformer
Downhill Is Downtown    3:49    Deep Dark United    Zettel
My Family    1:46    Jay Reatard    Blood Visions
Shower of Stones    3:05    Constantines    Kensington Heights
I'll Be Your Man    2:21    The Black Keys    The Big Come Up
No Pussy Blues    4:21    Grinderman    Grinderman
Dead Seeds    3:40    Rocket From The Crypt    Group Sounds
Oh, It’s Such a Shame    3:55    Deerhunter    Fluorescent Grey / Oh, It's Such a Shame - Single
True Love Will Find You In the End    1:51    Daniel Johnston    1990
Hand Srings    2:59    The White Stripes    Promo
Choice Blanket    5:11    The Sea and Cake    The Sea and Cake
Wilmington    3:22    Girls Against Boys    House Of GVSB
I Think I'm In Love    8:10    Spiritualized    Ladies And Gentlemen We Are Floating In Space
Long Distance Drunk    3:43    Modest Mouse    Lonesome Crowded West
You Win Again    4:31    Keith Richards    Timeless - Hank Williams Tribute
People Change    2:55    Nick Lowe    At My Age
Trying to Live My Life Without You    3:24    Brinsley Schwarz    Surrender to the Rhythm
Guilty    2:34    Randy Newman    Good Old Boys
Weedking    2:39    Guided By Voices    Propeller
These Days    3:29    Glen Campbell    Greatest Hits
Thirteen    2:35    Big Star    #1 Record/Radio City
'39    3:31    Queen    A Night at the Opera
If Not for You    3:34    George Harrison    All Things Must Pass (30th Anniversary Edition) [Remastered]
Let Her Dance    2:35    Bobby Fuller Four    Rhino Hi-Five: The Bobby Fuller Four - EP
Under My Thumb    3:42    The Rolling Stones    Aftermath (UK Version) [Remastered]
Vicious    2:57    Lou Reed    Transformer
Antenna    6:13    Sonic Youth    The Eternal
Why I Didn't Like August 93    2:14    Elevator to Hell    Parts 1-3
People Are Leaving    2:38    Robert Pollard    Waved Out
Mannequin    2:37    Wire    Pink Flag
Black Nite Crash    2:34    Ride    Tarantula
Never Mind    2:51    The Replacements    Pleased to Meet Me
Stay With Me    4:39    Faces    A Nod Is as Good as a Wink...To a Blind Horse
Cortez the Killer    7:31    Neil Young    Zuma
Lazy Line Painter Jane    5:51    Belle & Sebastian    Lazy Line Painter Jane
Hey Joe    3:30    The Jimi Hendrix Experience    Are You Experienced
The Backseat    4:22    The Gaslight Anthem    The '59 Sound
Honest James    3:50    Thurston Moore    Trees Outside the Academy
A More Perfect Union    7:10    Titus Andronicus    The Monitor
Yeah We Know    5:25    Dinosaur Jr.    Bug
In the Light    8:47    Led Zeppelin    Physical Graffiti (Remastered)

[0000]

i like it
then i hate it

...and she's so young and beautiful

pits

sometimes i get the feeling that Benny's lost faith in himself. I don't know. It's like he runs everything he could like into the ground for any reason. But I've got my own problems so I don't spend much time trying to fix his. I think that's why we get along.

Tonight he's been drinking. It's early so he's only been putting down beers but if you know Benny you can see what's coming. Trouble is, this part's always really fun. And to get here, you sorta know you're going to have to go there.

So he's chatting up the bartender with his usual rhetoricals. ("___?") She sees me come in and I look down at my pockets so I can't aknowledge how she wants me to see her putting three bottles in the icebox for me. It's not that i don't like the attention; it's that i hate being a regular. You can fool yourself sometimes into thinking you and they have something going on, but after a while you have to admit you're just there to drink[pay]. Whatever else happens, losing the bar isn't up for discussion. So you try to not get involved too much.

Anyway, Benny doesn't worry about this shit; he's more of the sprung verse kind. Neatly switching the conversation to the books he knows or the obscure songs you don't, or whatever. Half the time he never remembers anything he says; i wish i was like that sometimes. i wish i could just let it all out. I guess that's why we get along.

blood in my wrist...

rocky top

don't listen for my mistakes jethro

she just didn't want to

ufc? you lie like a rug! 

bullshit. i can name them all. fuckin ground and pound. silva taunts maia. gsp over koschek. the myth of pride. mir sux. lesnar gets on his wife. couture, penn, liddell, never doubt me. admit it!

...I didn't enjoy my night. i am a walking zombie. how was the meeting? 

 i didnt like her.

Why not? Did you at least get some?

she sucked my cock in the girl's bathroom.

thats it?

no pussy blues

yeah, he enjoyed the pics. I'm really setting myself up for heartache. ughhh. but i'm flattered that out of all the porn he could find out there, he wanted some pics of me. that's something. how do i sabotage his relationship?

Hey, young girls are a fucking pain. I know. I see it. I am one. you've already seen the pics i sent him. if you deleted them, well you're just a fool then.

You're having regular sex though? that is pretty special in my eyes. I really need to establish that while I continue to search for that right guy.

This guy I dumped is acting like an 18 y/o girl over our breakup. We were only together a month and he wanted me moving shit in and to have a key. This freaked me out...anyway, he's being mean and cold. it's making it waaaay easier on me. I know breaking up with him was the right thing to do.

okay, quickly, i need a decent topic to write about for my nazi/holocaust class!!!

sun glasses

a girl said to me the other afternoon, as we were talking about the sun setting early and the autumn darkness being deeper than the summer version, she said... the fall dark is my boyfriend.

motive

reduction

[crap]

jump cut

fuck. fuck. fuck.

dont't waste it

i saw this girl in the lobby of my building. she was so impossible. i might as well have been dead.

the sun goeth down