i got some slivers in my hands this weekend as i was collecting spiny hedge cuttings from the yard. i anticipate how these painful slivers will cause major problems for my golf grip during tomorrow's round so i'm frantic to remove them. however, i could not locate a pin or tweezers with which to pick them out (SOP for splinters and slivers), so i tried sucking them out with my mouth, pressing the meat around them with my fingernails and even with my teeth but nothing works and mostly i just injure my hands even worse. this goes on for hours. finally, my friend says to me, what are you biting your fingers for? so i show her the slivers and she gets all excited and says, can i cut them out for you? i love taking out other people's slivers. i was like, no way!
that night, while soaking my hands in cups of water (thinking that this will soften the skin enough the the teeth method might actually work) i watched a national geographic special on monkeys grooming cats. i wonder if a cat can love a monkey. anyway, so, after some soaking, i get a pairing knife (pearing knife? i love homophones. like when we were kids and we had those pink, grade-school issued notebooks that said on the cover "etobicoke board of education" and we'd scrawl overtop "[the kids of] etobicoke [are] board of education". it was the 'board' that made it hilarious) and slice down into my fingertips to get at the slivers; which by this time are, like porcupine quills, working themselves deeper into my flesh in an attempt to get to my heart and kill me. beads of blood well up out of the gouges and i become slightly faint. the monkeys meanwhile have discovered how to comb the cats with crude implements like rough sticks and bunches of grass.
in the end, it all worked out fine. and i went back to drinking and lying like always. you never learn from things you can escape i guess.
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3 comments:
The word is "paring" knife.
i also hate people trying to get my slivers out. actually slivers totally gross me out. but then again i still have a small piece of glass in my foot from last summer that still hurts. i guess the positive side of this is that it never worked it's way to my heart and i always know where it is.
when i got my wisdom teeth pulled, the dentist actually disintegrated one of my teeth while trying to extract it and for months little pieces of tooth would work their way out of my gums. it was gross, but also sort of funny to worry the sharp edges with my tongue.
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