workshopping this

PROLOGUE:

the difference between the lived experience, and the opportunity to experience the world emotionally, separate from the lived experience, aware of the full story, would be a superpower.


SCENE BAR THEN

he says, the heart lives by breaking and breaking

that's hemingway.

i don't know. i think some poet.

EARLIER.

the day starts great and he is hopefull until the open sign goes on.

a sequence of real life tbs customer interactons well told.

after a break up with his girlfriend is confirmed and then when he goes to the roof to bbq there is a party of young people. its a pandemic so he cant go to his bar... or can he.... he goes to the alley behind the bar and one old timer remembers him. he gains entrance and there can be memories or just impressions here.

SCENE BAR NOW

but there is an arguement about his bona fides. which he solves with alomb. except for being punched in the face and no one agreeing with him.

eventually we have 2 conversations. one discusses misfortune, milch, and what life doesnt owe us. the second is practical and involves the fact that he has lost his front tooth and has a staff meeting tommorow a.m.

eventually we come to this:

he offers to replace the tooth. i am skeptical.

he says, what choice you got, son? (from tarantino)

so i follow him back behind the bar, down the graffiti alley

he keeps looking back at me, like im going to run, but i'm in so much pain and i keep trying to imagine how the staff meeting will look in.... 4 hours.

we get to this door, some buttons are pushed.

its downstairs

he has this weird array of teeth and dentures and molds from where i dont know. it's scary. but cool.

he says, can i get you something?

i ask for a beer and then im sat and a beer is there i can even taste it's cold deliciousness but it's just in my hand.

he bends an arm silently over me and a click and i'm lit but it doesnt hurt.

there is a steel rattle that sounds dull and not clean but that's just my paranoia?

so he says, i will find a close match.

he moves away with i feel was excitemtent or a kind of pep.

sidelong i can see a sliver of him canvassing jaws and dentures and molars, biscuspids, and i dont know anymore teeth except wisdom and they take those away from you when you're young, so they cant be a choice right?

he's saying as he looks, you smoke alot.

i get the point but vanity so i say ya i drink black coffee. it gets a little huff.

i will have to stain this. he demonstrates this tooth to me. we havent talked price and that strikes me.

i say, so...

 tk

where do you get teeth?


what is the doctors purpose?

how does he change his appearance?

it cant be the same location each time.



next day.

im up and its awful. the first thing i think is her. and then my face, i touch it and the adrenalin of feeling it's swollen almost softens the onrush of the hangover which is like the opposite of an orgasm.

staff meeting in 20 minutes.

there is always a moment like this in your life.

thank you all for coming

i know it's all really really bad.

but i wish there was more.

sorry.

how well do we know each other

bill was surprised when i referred to him as a good person.

typical day at the shop.

the new kid comes in early with his brand new designer safety boots. i offer him a coffee and he says no he brought his own blend. so he proceeds to take the kettle, walk over to the first till counter, reach down to where we stash the plastic gallon jug of industrial disinfectant, and fills up the kettle. i put down the two cases of short hills i have been holding in the moment and take a step towards him, but then i wait.

he stands up and i say, what's up there fella?

he looks at me and i see this puzzled look, and he i guess maybe then notices the smell or something and he looks at the kettle and then at me.

i say, that's poison. don't poison yourself. i need you on till.

he goes, oh man.

remember our talk.

my head's on straight / my girlfriend's beautiful.

red #1

before downtown

i had a k car. i used to sometimes piss myself getting home. before i knew downtown. it was a long way back every night.

come on baby out of the cold

i love nights like this when i feel like i have the best taste and the comprehension.

can i do this again

take it so hard Keith Richards SNL 1988 rare from Rod Stewart's place on Vimeo.

West Coast

goin back home

him and her.

>we sit together on a patio at a cafe on a grey, october day, under a canvas awning, deep in the lower east side. We drink super stong espressos and say nothing and just watch the people and traffic and rain and sometimes our fingers meet across the little round table, or our legs touch underneath it. And you smoke, and look bored, but i know your mind is always working and i want to know what you're thinking but i stay quiet instead to just watch you. Your legs are crossed, and your bangs are cut short. Your nails are painted the shade of indigo i like best, and you dangle the cigarette like you couldn't care less about anything and in that moment you are perfect and i adore you.

>> I ask you if you'd like a cigarette, but you just motion to have me hand you mine, fiery orange line just past halfway. You take a long drag and put your arm back down, resting your elbow on the back of the chair. Another minute or so passes and I take out another one for myself, you're lost across the table in the smoke, yours now, and staring into the rain clouds. I reach across to gently touch your face, and you reciprocate times two by using your left arm to grab a handful of hair next to my ear and pull my lips into yours. One long deep kiss, we stop, I sit back down, I smile a little and get back to my thoughts.

reflections

howling forever

a constant battering
but soft, like tom toms
kettle drums building
like it is inside you

pogo or titus andronicus
both prove you cant
comment on what's around you
anymore. you think you can.

hail hail
fake worries you judge
yourself, and think yourself
judged. youre not noticed
true true true.

NYC

uncalled for

i dont know what i did. or didnt.
i dont know her number.
i hope she dont know mine
but it hurts like she does,
like she doesn't mind

you get behind things
and they dont win
you get out of time
it gets mean then

you want it like it was
but you know whats what
what happened can't help
what's coming

the game is the game

gone shootin

i stood by myself, leaning against the wall at an empty table set for two. the chairs were gone; a group at the back had taken them to fill out a loose circle. i knew some of the people opposite me, collected inside the fogged up alcove.

most of them were from the hair salon; it was a cutter named jessicat's birthday. i was pretty high when i got there; i'd already been there for a few earlier in the night. some others i sorta knew from around.

it was a good busy; you could move around, but there were no free chairs.

the girl in the ponytail was still there. a big guy was leaning over her, tipping his flat pint over his gut. she'd turn her head and get a glance of me. it seemed like i wobbled each time.

the dj was not impressing me. saturday night in toronto you can't get away with bullshit nineties radio rock. i wanted to kill him, but instead i went outside and got more stoned.

revenge

FG: barksdale set.

Mr. Speed 3:22 KISS 256 kbps Rock and Roll Over
Action 3:27 Sweet 256 kbps Rare Studio Tracks
Hello New York 3:24 Silverhead 256 kbps 16 and Savaged
Listen to Me 6:42 Baby Huey 256 kbps The Baby Huey Story - The Living Legend
Dancing In the Moonlight (It's Caught Me In Its Spotlight)
Thin Lizzy 256 kbps Bad Reputation (Expanded Edition)
Do The Wait 4:04 The Scenics 224 kbps Search And Destroy
How Are You? 4:14 Cheap Trick 256 kbps Heaven Tonight
Bleeding 4:02 Todd Rundgren 256 kbps Runt: The Ballad of Todd Rundgren Live It Up 4:00 Ted Nugent 256 kbps Cat Scratch Fever
Tenement Lady 2:55 T. Rex 256 kbps Tanx

free to get in

benny's trying to make the ultimate mix for his set tonight at the bar. but he can't seem to whittle it down. he just keeps adding more and more songs and then freaking out about how he can't see how he's gonna bridge this one to that one. He's been at it for days.

i'm cutting up the dope into 8ball bags and i can hear him zipping through track after track. he only listens to about 25 seconds of each song before he decides yes or no. sometimes he'll get stuck on one song and it'll play over and over. sometimes i think i hear him crying.

he comes out looking frazzled and jumpy; as if it really matters what song he plays in what order. the joint's just a shithole with a zero soundsystem PA, one tap and a bunch of discount bourbon brands but for him i guess this is it. his big thing.

-- any beer left?

i nod over to the ice box and he pulls out a bottle and pops it open on the chipped edge of the counter.

-- what's that song you've been playing?

he tries to speak as he's taking a swig and beer coughs and bends over double--

-- hard times baby huey

he coughs and runs back to his room to start the song over and comes back out pantomining what i guess he thinks is funk dance move or something.

-- heavy shit right?

-- yeah man it's good. you gonna lead with that one?

he shakes his head like it's the biggest question he's ever had to wrestle with.

-- aw man... i just don't know. the first song is so key y'know? so key.

i laugh at him and lean back into the sofa, admiring all the little bags that have piled up. perfect little ziplocked snowstorms. when i look up, benny's looking far out the window and he goes:

-- this song makes me feel like i'm in charge of myself.

run run away

french girls double eye

NYE

triangle offense, FG VIII

FG V

french girls.

fall

gotta get away

breaking up

'i'm sorry. i just don't think it's gonna work out between us.'

"i don't understand. i thought we agreed that the anthropic act of mutual observation meant our love was eternally validated?"

'well, ya. but it turns out we're both standing still and the space between us is increasing faster than the speed of light so i won't be able to see you anymore.'

"so we're doomed to a future of ignorant loneliness?"

'yes, but we won't know it when it happens. so you'll feel better then.'

"well... i guess that's not so bad."

existence is futile

got upstreamed for a cab this morning. the guy clearly saw me waiting as i'd tried to hail two occupied, passing cabs moments before; so i call out to the guy "i can't believe youre upstreaming me". and he goes, "that doesn't exist here". I go "You don't exist!" sigh. i will be working on comebacks all weekend.

HWoA, Cheap, Tranzac 2001

#21

HWoA

under the pavement, beach

sorry i couldn't be here

mandelbrot sets, "calamity"

Calamity by shawandking

perambulate

at night downtown i cross the street or at least make a little racket if i find myself walking behind a single woman. especially when the streetlamps cast my shadow towards them; it's so creepy to see someone's shadow overtake you.

i can't seem to walk the same way all the time. i have no gait. it seems all my parts are independent sometimes. each piece deciding to imprint its own version of forward progress.

there was a full moon tonight.

deadwood drunk

"I am not the fine man you take me for; no, no.
I come in April to sell a string of horses,
And try my luck in the stream.
What I got for my stock I lost at the wheel
And the flake I washed up, I drank the fuck away.
I don’t know as I’ll get home at all
I sold my boots. I owe nine dollars to a whore."

slow down.

anything can happen.
a car crash. a sun burn.
paper cuts, or cancer.
can't stop what's comin

bad love, or a constable
hand. anything can
happen; bonked heads
prescribed dead ends.

anything can happen
happiness strikes
conscience, or reverse
can anything happen

everything becomes something else

Hide Out

reversals

benny is so wasted that he can't say anything but 'drugs'.

we're laughing but then he turns to me and manages:

"do you think she loves me?"

the laughing still goes on, but he's got this ashen look and i realize that the only way to save him is to tell him the truth.

"no."

when i get up off the sticky floor, benny is gone and everyone is looking at me like it's my fault.

how she loves me.

oh how i love the smell
of the abattoir
oh how i love my job.

ain't it great
to hear them talk
about, giving back
to those without.

oh how i love the abattoir.
the rendering of meaning
is plain. oh how i love
the end of dreams

lesson

getting high without
the possibility
of getting more high
is pointless

after all

i wish i could learn to say the things i say but differently. like with humour or quality of writing.

how did dfw write all of that? so much writing... i cant even get one line i like. no wonder he hung himself. it was like pushing away darkness. no way he could keep that up.

i'm funding a rehearsal space for priddle. only $300. and ostensibly i'm also able to go there. presumably to rediscover some latent amazing talent heretofore unexplored in enough depth.

i'm tired but i cant sleep.

strike the match

you get older, you get fewer friends
you get older, the few get deeper
the breakups early in life,
you really regret those.

but you cant stop it
life divides you from the things you love
and it drives us into things we don't
we get it hard and lose it easy

Calamity

board, not bored

soften the focus

keep your powder dry

he says, even tho three amigos is a success story, it is a cautionary tale i think. altho, i think they knew that when they made it

she snaps her flip phone shut: all i'm sayin is id like to appreciate things on their own merits again

he's figuring she's just another shallow type so he gives her the pop quiz:

best pretender's song.

the wait

(wow. the best i thought she'd do was pack it up. good one)

best iggy pop song.

pumping for jill, obvi

(seriously?! this could be love)

best zeppelin?

down by the seaside

(shit this girl is out of my league)

free style: best songs.

that feel. dont forget me. guilty. jigsaw puzzle.

...

she reached across my trance and fished out a Light from my breast pocket.

"i'm goin for a smoke; you wanna look at guitars or something?"

the thing about women is that you can't ever be one of them. that's the only way you'd ever figure it out. they're just like foxes or pyramids or comets. everything about them is obvious, but it's always the opposite at the same time.

anyway, i got my jacket and found her in the alcove of the guitar shop. i pulled out the dugout and we looked at guitars and passed the cherry back and forth.

i knew she was looking past the window display at the SG jr hanging just inside streetlamp light behind the cash register. so much of life is about still moments.

just before she catches me looking at her in the window reflection i turn away.

(shortly thereafter the world ends. or this is part of some other story?)

don't know if i like you

don't know if i like you
but you like it like that.

keep moving forwards

[redact[ ug?

echo / delay

no title yet. working on it.

sometimes i think maybe its a weakness, but one thing i'm good at is giving myself reasons not to worry about going to work.

much too high

How to get the inflation of youth experience under contra

Harassed by pre teens in the subway

One little troll rolled up a Metro and threatened to stab me with it;

leads to variant response fantasy and exasperation with everything.

hates to admit when ____likes anything. like, scared to give away any part of himself. like, he's got no value by liking popular things.

in secret he thrilled to his obscure vicesexpression.

the only thing drinking is good for is perfect dwelling in what's gone. but for everything else, drinking is not so good for.

still, if you really want to, you can dwell safely until you die. slowly die.

went by the bar after work. was a girl there with the same eyes as carla. those coal black liquid eyes. i figured out how to look at them without her seeing me i think.

felt again like i couldn't let go.

____x was there. she looked great. she hugged me and my earlobes were ice cold. her cheek pressed against one and she remarked on it.

what's real and what isn't doesn't change does it?

keith richards is great, but he's got some dogs. "take it so hard" is not one of them.

clues

red

dead flowers

stratford (take me to the station)

we drank foster king cans
by the river before
titus andronicus

Winter

he ran to catch up to her. she stopped and they faced each other, him leaning in, suddenly arrested.

why? what did i do?

she said, i think it's lame that you made the Goat's Head Soup album cover your Facebook photo.

he shook his head and the honesty in his face made her think twice.

she touched his chin and he lifted his eyes to hers. she says, "because that record's so conflicted. It's the end of the Stones and in a way, the end of truth. And you think you can use all that as your avatar? You're just like the rest of them. Making yourself by your associations.

He was dumbfounded. But she had a point.

2010

my old stuff
was better.

tonight's guests appear courtesy of

you think you can just write a poem?

this'll get deleted

suddenly i
don't belong.

december flowers

hollyhocks grow
taller than me.

ageless beauty.

what's so hopeless
is that every failure
feels the same

and how

do you ever
hate who you are.

pron.

it's about
where they put
the meat

ride on

a guy got upset at a girl and threw sugar packets at her and then knocked over his drink, spit on her table and stormed outside. everyone watched but no one moved. then he banged on the window right by her view and pantomimed being stabbed hard in the chest. her date pretended not to notice all of it. finally the bartender went outside and called him to account so he ran.

1923 Toronto

bumblebee

late for work.

say too much
and it's over but
be yourself

vineland

ok, then this is gonna go on for awhile.

Pumpin' for Jill    4:33    Iggy Pop    Party
The Wait    3:34    Pretenders    Pretenders (Remastered)
Requiem for Man and Family    2:34    Andre Ethier    With Christopher Sandes Featuring Pickles and Price
No Action    2:01    Elvis Costello    This Year's Model
Hangin' 'Round (Acoustic Demo Version)    3:56    Lou Reed    Transformer
Downhill Is Downtown    3:49    Deep Dark United    Zettel
My Family    1:46    Jay Reatard    Blood Visions
Shower of Stones    3:05    Constantines    Kensington Heights
I'll Be Your Man    2:21    The Black Keys    The Big Come Up
No Pussy Blues    4:21    Grinderman    Grinderman
Dead Seeds    3:40    Rocket From The Crypt    Group Sounds
Oh, It’s Such a Shame    3:55    Deerhunter    Fluorescent Grey / Oh, It's Such a Shame - Single
True Love Will Find You In the End    1:51    Daniel Johnston    1990
Hand Srings    2:59    The White Stripes    Promo
Choice Blanket    5:11    The Sea and Cake    The Sea and Cake
Wilmington    3:22    Girls Against Boys    House Of GVSB
I Think I'm In Love    8:10    Spiritualized    Ladies And Gentlemen We Are Floating In Space
Long Distance Drunk    3:43    Modest Mouse    Lonesome Crowded West
You Win Again    4:31    Keith Richards    Timeless - Hank Williams Tribute
People Change    2:55    Nick Lowe    At My Age
Trying to Live My Life Without You    3:24    Brinsley Schwarz    Surrender to the Rhythm
Guilty    2:34    Randy Newman    Good Old Boys
Weedking    2:39    Guided By Voices    Propeller
These Days    3:29    Glen Campbell    Greatest Hits
Thirteen    2:35    Big Star    #1 Record/Radio City
'39    3:31    Queen    A Night at the Opera
If Not for You    3:34    George Harrison    All Things Must Pass (30th Anniversary Edition) [Remastered]
Let Her Dance    2:35    Bobby Fuller Four    Rhino Hi-Five: The Bobby Fuller Four - EP
Under My Thumb    3:42    The Rolling Stones    Aftermath (UK Version) [Remastered]
Vicious    2:57    Lou Reed    Transformer
Antenna    6:13    Sonic Youth    The Eternal
Why I Didn't Like August 93    2:14    Elevator to Hell    Parts 1-3
People Are Leaving    2:38    Robert Pollard    Waved Out
Mannequin    2:37    Wire    Pink Flag
Black Nite Crash    2:34    Ride    Tarantula
Never Mind    2:51    The Replacements    Pleased to Meet Me
Stay With Me    4:39    Faces    A Nod Is as Good as a Wink...To a Blind Horse
Cortez the Killer    7:31    Neil Young    Zuma
Lazy Line Painter Jane    5:51    Belle & Sebastian    Lazy Line Painter Jane
Hey Joe    3:30    The Jimi Hendrix Experience    Are You Experienced
The Backseat    4:22    The Gaslight Anthem    The '59 Sound
Honest James    3:50    Thurston Moore    Trees Outside the Academy
A More Perfect Union    7:10    Titus Andronicus    The Monitor
Yeah We Know    5:25    Dinosaur Jr.    Bug
In the Light    8:47    Led Zeppelin    Physical Graffiti (Remastered)

[0000]

i like it
then i hate it

...and she's so young and beautiful