Hide Out

reversals

benny is so wasted that he can't say anything but 'drugs'.

we're laughing but then he turns to me and manages:

"do you think she loves me?"

the laughing still goes on, but he's got this ashen look and i realize that the only way to save him is to tell him the truth.

"no."

when i get up off the sticky floor, benny is gone and everyone is looking at me like it's my fault.

how she loves me.

oh how i love the smell
of the abattoir
oh how i love my job.

ain't it great
to hear them talk
about, giving back
to those without.

oh how i love the abattoir.
the rendering of meaning
is plain. oh how i love
the end of dreams

lesson

getting high without
the possibility
of getting more high
is pointless

after all

i wish i could learn to say the things i say but differently. like with humour or quality of writing.

how did dfw write all of that? so much writing... i cant even get one line i like. no wonder he hung himself. it was like pushing away darkness. no way he could keep that up.

i'm funding a rehearsal space for priddle. only $300. and ostensibly i'm also able to go there. presumably to rediscover some latent amazing talent heretofore unexplored in enough depth.

i'm tired but i cant sleep.

strike the match

you get older, you get fewer friends
you get older, the few get deeper
the breakups early in life,
you really regret those.

but you cant stop it
life divides you from the things you love
and it drives us into things we don't
we get it hard and lose it easy

Calamity

board, not bored

soften the focus